The following is a true story. Names have been changed because, while hilarious, it’s just too embarrassing.
THE NIGHT OF
Last Saturday I went to the Twin Cities Oktoberfest. This is not the Gasthof’s Oktoberfest, which is awesome. This is the Oktoberfest that costs $25 and is at the fair grounds and kinda sucks. We went for a friend’s birthday, let’s call her Sharon, and luckily found a coupon deal that gave us two for one tickets, otherwise I’d be uber pissed.
Sensing it could be lame, I offered to drive so I could bail whenever I wanted. While parking, we noticed a few people dressed up in super hero costumes. This was confusing until we saw there was a comic con going on at the next pavilion over. I got really excited because going to a comic con is on my bucket list but also a little sad because I was not dressed up as a super hero. We agreed we’d check out comic con before leaving but after some alcohol had been consumed.
Not a lot happened at Oktoberfest. It was a hall with tables, a few guys in lederhosen, exactly 3 booths with various German things, two food stands serving mediocre German food, and 1 Summit beer truck (not German). I dominated in hammerschlagen and won a pair of sweet hobo gloves. The only thing of note is that there was one girl in our group, let’s call her Jane, who got the band to sing happy birthday to Sharon. Then we left. That was it.
As if a prelude to the shitty night that was to come, comic con was over when we left. We should have just gone there first, but whatever. Also a telling move, Jane went in to the pavilion anyway to talk to the guys who were obviously cleaning up and no longer in costume because she’s hot and can get whatever she wants (so her actions have told us).
We left the fair grounds and stopped at a liquor store, because it was still only 4:00ish, where Sharon and Jane did several free sample shots. Then we went to my apartment to chill and drink more before the bars. This is where things started to go wrong.
Sharon totally skipped being drunk and went straight to puking, which was really weird, but it was her birthday so we’ll giver her a free pass. She pretty much just laid around the rest of the night. The rest of us played Wii. Jane started being the annoying drunk. She talked way too much about the dumbest things imaginable. Like how she left her dog home alone and was so sad about it. For an hour. She walked into the bathroom where my room mate, let’s call her Rhonda, was getting ready and demanded she do her make up. She started kicking my other room mate, let’s call him Joe, in the balls to win Wii tennis. This chick was all up in my “I don’t deal with stupid people” radar. So I decided I wasn’t going out because not only would I not have a good time, I would inevitably get so sick of her bullshit I would say something mean, but obviously clever, to her and start problems. To no one’s surprise, Joe totally latched on to her and decided he was going out with them.
I would like to mention my good friend Sonja, her real name, was the one sane person in the room and totally with me in all of this. When they left to go to the bars, she said to me “if I text you to help me you really have to come help me.”
I went to bed at a relatively early time. Joe coming home woke me up so I went out to get some water and see if he brought Jane home. He did. I went back to bed. Some time later I was woken up by someone trying to get into my locked room. Like a drunk person slapping at the door when they can’t open it. It was kinda creepy.
THE MORNING AFTER
When I woke up, Joe and Rhonda were talking in the kitchen. I came out and learned the horrors of what had happened the night before. Brace yourself for:
Rhonda had come home late, around 4:00 in the morning. She being the incredibly decent roomie that she is took off her heels to make less noise walking on the tile floor. She went into her room and stepped in a puddle. This being not normal, she was confused and smelled it. It was pee. She stepped in a puddle of pee. She also noticed a white-ish, sticky substance on her desk chair. Her clothes she had left on her bed were also moved.
Apparently, after Jane came home with Joe and had coitus (attested to by the roomies in the next bedroom who heard it), Jane really had to pee. Alas, she could not find the bathroom so she tried (ran into?) my door. Having no luck, she went into Rhonda’s room, assumed it was a toilet and sat on her chair therefore smearing the vajizz on it, probably fell off and proceeded to pee on Rhonda’s floor. Then passed out on Rhonda’s bed. When Joe offered to drive Jane home she said, “No. This never happened” and ran outside to call a cab. Probs because she has a house and dog with her boyfriend, which sadly Joe did not know.
I can’t make this shit up. A chick vajizzed on a chair, peed on the floor, and disappeared into the night. Joe bought us alcohol and cookies (which I tried to make while stoned and totally burned, don’t bake and bake kids) to make amends and Rhonda spent Sunday disinfecting her chair every hour. But the good news is we now have an apartment black list, fun!