It started in October when my sister got married. My drunk relatives cornered me with the expected it’s-your-turn-next’s and how’s-your-love-life’s, to which I responded “I need more whiskey, excuse me.” I noticed all of my younger cousins had dates and asked where mine was, to which I responded “It was a choice! Now excuse me, I need more whiskey.”
Then Thanksgiving rolled around. We all went to my parent’s vacation house which has two bedrooms. I slept on an air mattress in the living room which popped the second night, leaving the couch as my bed. We went kayaking. Mom and Dad paired up, my sister and her hubby paired up, everyone had a gay old time! Myself and I paired up in a single kayak and sweated our asses off trying to keep up with everyone else gliding pleasantly along in their two-man-half-the-effort kayaks.
I came home determined to end my perpetual state of singleness, because fuck being the 5th wheel. TV has taught me to avoid dating within my circle of friends or even friends of friends, so I checked out online dating. I immediately ruled out eHarmony because there was no chance in hell I was going to sit through a 3 hour long survey about myself and take it seriously. But the free sites seemed dirty, and I pretend I still have standards, so I decided on Match.com.
Creating a profile on Match.com is easy enough. Photoshop a picture, type up some nonsense about liking going out but also being ok with cuddling up with a movie, lie about how much money you make and how much you drink and you’re done! Then the horror begins…
Everyone who contacted me was 32 years old and fat when I very clearly specified I was interested in 21-27 year old “about average” body type men. This immediately threw me into doubt about the system. How can they get it that wrong? Or is it me? Am I only attractive to these kinds of guys? Shit! It eventually got better, guys I was interested in started contacting me, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Until my first date.
I was genuinely terrified the guy might actually turn out to be a rapist and or murderer, so I told both of my room mates, my best friend, my sister and my mom his name, his username, and the time, date and location of where we were going. I’m nothing if not thorough. I was nervous, so I just got drunk. I don’t actually remember much of this date, but I must have been awesome because he totally called me the next day. We hung out for awhile, but my commitment fearing tendencies told me his personality was too up tight for me. Done with dude #1.
My next series of dates were exercises in how to get as many free drinks as possible before running away because the dudes were 5 years older, 20 pounds heavier and a lot balder than their pictures had lead me to believe. This was a dark time.
Hope was restored when I had a great date with a guy who looked like his picture, was not socially awkward, and drank as much beer as I did. Unfortunately, he was also my first experience with rejection on Match. Totally dropped off the face of the earth, which I can’t be upset about because that’s also my strategy for ditching the dudes I don’t want to continue with. Fair enough, go in peace.
So I’m back in the circuit of getting drunk and sending emails to guys way out of my league, ignoring the uglies, and laughing hysterically when someone sends me a “wink” because who does that? The good news is I got another 6 months for free because I didn’t “find my match” in the first 6 months. I’m both elated (because I’m uber cheap) and depressed (because I could potentially be on this site for a year without any mens).
My perpetual state of singleness remains.