Why I Hate The Coffee House Station on Sirius Radio

We have Sirius in our office, which is usually awesome. Lots of choice, no commercials, these are good things. There’s also a sort of radio hierarchy that boils down to me being the Ruler of the Radio. This is because everyone except me has their own office, with a door and everything, that secludes them from the radio airwaves. Basically this means I get to pick the station because I’m the only one that can hear it all day. I’m a generous ruler, if someone gets in early and turns it on before me or requests a specific station I happily oblige. I love music and totally respect that people will have different tastes in it than mine. But I fucking hate The Coffee House station.

If you don’t know it, The Coffee House plays entirely acoustic covers of songs. Fine. No problem in moderation. But if you’re stuck listening to this station for an entire work day you’re ready to bash the speakers in with the decrepit fax machine that never works within approximately 1.5 hours. There are three main reasons this station doesn’t agree with me, and they are as follows:

1.) It’s all whiny chick music. I’m all for feminism and if I had been alive in the 60s I would have burned my bras along with the rest of them. But I don’t need to hear about how your man left you and how you’ll rise up and be strong all day. It’s so depressing. And hard on the ears. It’s like they will only play your songs if you have the shrillest, warble-iest voice around. This means Sheryl Crow is played frequently. Anyone who knows me from my sandwich making days knows my feelings on Sheryl Crow. They aren’t happy feelings. Combine that with a rainy day and I’m either falling asleep on my keyboard or trying to slit my wrists with a letter opener by lunch.

2.) They play acoustic versions of already acoustic songs. I shit you not. Apparently Jack Johnson isn’t acousticy enough for the acoustic club.

3.) Some songs should not be acoustic. Ever. Reggae, I believe, is pretty dependent on the whole steel drum thing. Any sort of percussion is frowned upon at The Coffee House, so Reggae sounds really weird. They also really hate Robert Plant and John Bonham because they’re constantly playing Zeppelin tunes with their parts totally butchered, which is just wrong. And sad. Wrong and sad! And Free Bird isn’t Free Bird without the epic solo!

If you haven’t figured it out, someone turned this station on in the morning and I’m listening to it right meow. And all of these things have happened today.

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One Response to Why I Hate The Coffee House Station on Sirius Radio

  1. dan c says:

    I really can appreciate this rant because I was listening to coffee house throughout the day thanks to fellow co-worker. The indigo girls pushed me to my limit. I am actually writing this beyond the grave since I went in the bathroom and hanged myself next to the fart fan. God Bless!!

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