Thoughts On The Mustaches In My Life

The Ginger ‘Stache

My brother-in-law’s mustache has no soul. It’s a ginger. This is strange because the rest of his hair is dark brown and/or grey…gray? Whatever, the point is when he grew out his facial hair for Movember last year it was as if the Lord of the Gingers decreed the chin area as his own but didn’t want to be a greedy s.o.b. and let the rest of it go. Kudos to my brother-in-law though for going full horse shoe, a lesser man couldn’t have pulled that off.

The Handlebar ‘Stache

This one belongs to my room mate’s boyfriend, also a ginger but that’s not what makes this mustache remarkable (though perhaps slightly more creepy?). He went full on handlebar, twirled ends and all. Remember that Heineken commercial featuring a man with such a mustache that was always out of place until he found himself in “an old timey boxing match?” This is how I see my roomie’s bf. Not being out of place, he’s a cool dude, but I can totally see him in that boxing get up. Or with a top hat and red, sparkly suit jacket as a circus ring leader. Or the M.C. at The Moulin Rouge.

The Pedostache

Our UPS guy is incredibly cool. He’s always friendly, cracks jokes about getting wine delivered to our office, and always goes along with my stupid comments about the weather. He knows my name. I know his name is Ben, and that he spent the 4th of July in Louisiana with his brother where it was really hot (a response to my stupid comments about the weather). I’ve also been witness to his growing pedostache. It started slow at first, just some fuzz. Maybe going for the scruffy look, I thought. But it’s really come into its own in the last few days. But what I think makes this mustache a pedostache is not his actions, again an incredibly nice guy, but his uniform. Something about the UPS uniform and the mirrored sunglasses he wears turns this normal ‘stache into a pedostache. A mystery that may never be solved.

My High School Boyfriend’s Peach Fuzz

He tried so hard, bless him. I blame myself. I was always going on about how I found guys with the scruffy facial hair look extremely attractive. He couldn’t quite manage it, never getting beyond a fine haired fuzz before getting pissed off and shaving. I take this time to apologize and also congratulate you on your current, very impressive scruffiness that I see you have from my Facebook stalking. Bravo, sir.

My Dad’s Sepia Toned ‘Stache

I once saw a picture of my dad sporting a mustache. There was really nothing special about it other than the fact that my dad had a mustache and I generally find mustaches to be weird. And the picture was sepia toned, which I just thought was funny because I guess I associate that with classic, romantic photos. A sepia toned mustache…silly.

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