Things I Do When My Roommates Aren’t Home

My roommates have been gone a lot over the past few weeks taking vacations, staying with boyfriends, you know, having a life. So I’ve had the apartment to myself more often than usual and I noticed there are some things I do when my roommates aren’t home. Don’t worry roomies, I’ll keep it PG. Ponder that when you’re trying to sleep at night.

I play video games in my underwear

I’m sorry, but when I’m in the middle of a drop zone and have to clear the area of RPGs so my chopper can land or if I have to rescue a prostitute tied to railroad tracks before a train runs her over and I just stole a new horse so it doesn’t fully trust me yet and therefore does not give me full speed I get sweaty. Sleeves and pants can only roll up so far, and if I have to re-start this mission they’d be coming off anyway so might as well eliminate a step. If my roommates were home, I would just stop playing because they don’t need to see me like that. But when I’m by myself you better believe I’m sitting on the floor a foot away from the screen surrounded by my discarded clothing talking my team through a raid on a jungle logging camp, because those fuckers are holding O’Brian hostage and we leave no man behind.

I never close the bathroom door

There are two kinds of people in this world. The kind that closes the bathroom door even when they know no one is around and the kind that only closes it because it’s socially unacceptable to leave it open when there are people around. I’m the latter. I don’t know why this is, I feel you just are or you aren’t one kind over the other. Future husband beware: I don’t mind pooping in front of you, if it bothers you then it’s on you to make sure that doesn’t happen.

I don’t clean until right before I think you’re coming back

Let’s be honest, I don’t really clean anyway. But I do generally pick up my stuff and keep the madness confined to my room. Not when you’re gone. My shit be everywhere. I leave my shoes and purse by the door, on the floor. I leave my clothes in the living room. I leave dishes everywhere. But you don’t know this because I always clean up before you get back. Right before you get back. Like I just picked up the last stray glass as your key was turning in the lock. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you this…

I drink a lot more

I don’t know why, but I do. It’s not like I think you would judge me if you were around, I’m pretty sure you would join me. But for some reason I think taking a shot of Jack at 10:00 in the morning is a good idea. And that of course must be followed up with a Jack and ginger, which means I need a trip to the gas station to get ginger ale. And then I’ve got all this ginger ale and whiskey so I might as well drink it. Thankfully, I don’t feel bad about this because I know my friend Sonja is probably doing the same thing. Text Sonja to confirm. Have drunken conversation.

I get really paranoid that every noise is someone breaking in

To rape and murder me, obvi. I check and re-check that every door and window is locked and bolted. Sometimes I leave my TV on with the sound muted for the ambient light when I’m trying to fall asleep but can’t because I can’t pass off all the creaking I hear as my roommate walking down the hallway. I blame my dad for this one, he made me watch too many how-you-can-be-abducted TV specials when I was little. I therefore keep the bat he gave me as a moving in present next to my nightstand and my mace next to my pillow because I’m so not going to crime scene number two.

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