How I Handled Losing My Credit Card and Driver’s License

664966326418738b3b46be6be5f02783In short: not well. Here’s a timeline of events:

Saturday 9:00pm: Take a cab home from St. Patrick’s Day festivities.

9:30pm: Argue with friend over who will pay for the cab. Lose. Apparently drop change purse containing credit card, cash and driver’s license in fit of rage.

Sunday 11:00-7:00: Post drinking stupor.

7:00pm: Receive phone call from bank asking to verify suspicious purchases. Feel terrifying creep of panic up spine.

7:20: Wait on hold to cancel card.

7:40: Pace around room still on hold, while some fucktard is buying god knows what with my hard(ish) earned money!

7:45: Customer service answers, phone hangs up. Repeat 3 times. Borrow room mate’s phone.

8:30: Finally get through to customer service. Stop credit card. Ask about getting god damn money back. Find out I can’t do anything yet because my bank is closed. Throw pillows.

10:30: Take NyQuil to sleep. Don’t sleep at all.

Monday 8:30am: Call bank, AGAIN, to find out how to get my money back. Find out I have to write a letter detailing the fraudulent purchases, with a bunch of legal speak the operator told me to add, and any other info I think would help. Ponder what, exactly, that means.

11:30am: Finish 2.5 page letter that no one would be able to make sense of because I added a bunch of fluff to skate over the fact I was drunk.

1:30pm: Find out from friend who paid the cab what the name of the company was. It’s based in Brooklyn Park, where most of the purchases were made. Assume the cabbie took the card. Add that to the letter.

1:35pm: Google map the routes to all the stores purchases were made from the cab company. This confirms suspicion cabbie stole my card.

3:30pm: Leave work early to, hopefully, get a jump on the post-work DMV line and get a new license. Recall Dane Cook’s bit on going “early” to the DMV. Hope there aren’t people in sleeping bags.

5:00pm: Leave DMV in a relatively good mood, despite long wait, due to awesome guy who helped me. He works at the DMV and can still crack jokes, bless him.

5:15pm: Arrive at bank, ask to fax letter to correct department. Get stared at.

5:16pm: Find out call center guy had no idea what the fuck he was talking about, all I have to do is fill out a form. Get a little sad that no one will read my credit card fraud literary work of art.

5:30pm: See that they tried to buy stuff at two more places and were denied. HA! Hope they had to put everything back and were really embarrassed. Wonder if there were security cameras that caught them in action. Envision police breaking down their front door and dragging them out in handcuffs so I can slap them in the face.

5:35pm: After filling out form ask if I can see what they bought at each place. When asked why, try to figure out how to say their purchases would indicate if it was the cab driver without sounding racist. Decide on “just curious.”

5:36pm: Ask for the fifth time if there’s a good chance I’ll get the money back. Am reassured for the fifth time that since the bank called me, there was a good chance.

5:40pm: Go home to play the waiting game.

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