Stuff That Makes Me Weird

my-pet-peevesThere’s been a healthy debate among friends about whether it’s better to live with someone before you get married or wait to move in together until after you get hitched. I’m pro living with someone first because what if there’s something about their living habits that just creeps the shit out of you and you can’t deal? Try explaining that you got a divorce because no one should have that amount of skid marks in their undies and be healthy.

So this got me thinking that I should totally just write a manual detailing all of my weirdness so I can make my significant other read it before marrying me, just in case they firmly believe in not living together first. Logic.

Feet creep me the fuck out

I can look at them and be perfectly fine. I can touch them and not be bothered. But if a foot touches me I can NOT handle it. I don’t know. Something about the way toes curl around your skin. And I can’t even talk about it anymore because I just convulsed.

I pick my nose. What.

I pick my nose frequently and aggressively because I can’t stand the crusty feeling of boogers in my nostrils. I don’t do gross things with them like eat them. I put them in a tissue and throw them away. I’m not embarrassed. A clean nose is a priority in my life.

I have to sleep with some degree of noise in the room

Trying to sleep in total silence is almost impossible for me. If I’m with someone, I’m paranoid that I’m breathing too heavily or annoyed by their heavy breathing. If I’m alone, any squeak or crack in the apartment obviously means someone is coming to murder me. A fan or humidifier is ideal. No whale song or rainforest noises. That shit’s weird.

I talk to myself in a Scottish accent

I don’t have any explanation for this one. It just kind of started happening.

I obsessively delete my browser history

I really hate using Gmail for work because I have a fear that somehow they will be able to see my Google searches, which are often weird. Like “I feel like there’s a piece of food stuck in my throat but I’m not choking.” That one was a real conundrum. To compensate for this, I delete my browser history almost every half an hour and get anxiety if I don’t.

I have a snoring bias

I snore. Sometimes quite loudly, I’ve been told. But guess what? My snoring doesn’t wake me up and yours does. So you best knock it off or go sleep on the couch.

I am terrified of snakes

I don’t think this one is that weird, but I’ll add it for good measure. The way snakes move is uber creepy. And similar to the foot thing, I can’t talk about this one without shuddering.

Chew with your mouth closed or I will close it for you

Maybe my biggest pet peeve ever is smacking when you eat. I don’t get it. Can people not hear themselves? Because everyone else in the room sure can. And I can’t sit on this one. I WILL say something and the politeness depends on the noise level of your smacking.

Just let me load the dishwasher…

There is a science to packing a dishwasher. You put plastics on the top so they don’t warp from the heat of drying. You put silverware handle down in the basket so they get fully cleaned. No, you shouldn’t put pots in because it fucks with their finish. No, no, NO don’t put that bowl there when it clearly fits better here. Nope, you’re done, get out of my way and I’ll fix it.

I don’t do laundry very often

This means there’s always a pile of clothes on my floor that I dig through to find the item I want that I’ve probably already worn three times. This will never change.

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