Holy Shit I Bought a Car

IMG_7795So..I bought a car. A Mazda 2 hatchback. It was a little terrifying and a lot awkward, but I did it! I think the most awkward part was the test drive. I asked if I could go by myself, because I heard that was a thing, but both dealers just laughed and said no way. My sister told me that. Lying whore. But I had done my research, so I didn’t have any questions to ask I just wanted to make sure I didn’t hate the car and therefore sat in awkward silence for the drive. Happily, I brought a friend (how else was I going to get to the dealer?) who filled the emptiness with the sales guys.

The dealership I bought my car from actually had a no negotiation policy, they gave you their best price and you took it or left it. I was so happy I almost really did pee my big girl pants. No negotiation? No showing my ineptitude anymore than I already had? And they did have the best price I had seen anywhere else. Skip to my friggin lou!

The terrifying part was waiting for my credit report to come back. This was the make or break point. If it was what I was expecting, I’d be fine but what if it was super low? I pictured myself being laughed out of the dealership with everyone pointing and making disapproving faces. Turns out it was way higher than what freecreditreport.com had told me so I totally scored and got an insanely good rate.

Possibly the most entertaining part of the evening was after signing all the papers the sales guy made a big deal about having a surprise for me. He came back with a tan, totally blank baseball hat. I was like “I don’t get it, what’s with the ugly hat?” He just played it off as a free hat. A few minutes later the manager walked by and said “what’s wrong with the hat? Where’s the Mazda logo?” And the salesman was like oh shit, I tried to give her a blank hat and my manager caught me. So I got the real Mazda hat, but I just found it funny and ironic that that was the thing I was going to get screwed on. I knew it was going to happen, I just expected it to be on price or the warranty. It was a hat.

Sleeping the first night was really hard. I don’t have a space in my building’s lot yet so I had to park on the street. In Uptown. During winter. I almost got out of bed a ridiculous number of times to make sure no one had side swiped my baby. Who I think I’m going to call Vick, by the by.


The salesman explaining how to drive because it’s been awhile…

So voila, there’s my first car story. Now excuse me while I become a hermit, because even though I budgeted and know I can afford it, I still feel like I just spent a shit ton of money and am going to be poor.

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Holy Shit I’m Buying a Car – Part 2

used_car_salesmanPart 2: Researching how to research buying a car and prepping for negotiation.

Alright, so I panicked. But that’s ok, because my inescapable need to bring up the fact that I’m buying a car in every conversation for the past two weeks was the sole reason I have enough confidence to move forward with buying a new car. Apparently the interest rates are way lower than those for a used car, who knew!? And to everyone who is right now saying “but the value depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot, I’d rather get a used car than take the hit” suck it, I want a new car.

I also learned to shop around for loans because you can have multiple sources check your credit for 30 days without it buzz killing your credit score. But my bank is a bitch and wouldn’t call me back. I guess they’re still upset about all those overdraft charges last year. Whatever, get over it. I’ll leave that one to the dealership, multiple people assured me they come up with the best rates anyway but I’m still nervous because I feel the general consensus is that dealerships always screw you over. Woosah. Deep breaths.

Next up insurance which, holy fuck, is expensive. I’m not paying $300 a month just in case something happens. Best not get in any accidents. Ass hats who can’t drive in the snow, I’m talking to you here.

Alright so knowing all of that, I’ve got a pretty good idea of what I can afford now. I have one leg in the big girl pants. Found some cars, scheduled some test drives, bada-bing two legs in the big girl pants. I just can’t quite pull them all the way up for fear of peeing myself when it comes to negotiation.

I actually wish car salesmen were of the formerly known greasy variety. If I had to talk to someone like that I’d be all “Dude, I can’t take you seriously with your oily hair and furry chest. Quit bullshitting me, I told you my completely reasonable budget, just give me the fucking car.” But no. They’re all younger, mildly attractive, seemingly nice people. I talked to a girl named Katrina today and she was being so nice I actually giggled. I’m totally going in with my big girl pants around my ankles.

Next up the finale: Holy Shit…I Bought a Car. I mean hopefully, because then all of this would just be awkward.

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Holy Shit I’m Buying a Car

pos_carThis is a series in which I detail my complete and utter cluelessness of how to buy my first car.

Part 1: Rationale, Research and Panic

I’ve never owned my own car. I drove my mom’s car in high school out of necessity: I had to have a car to get to swim practice due to the weird inner workings of the Fort Smith, AR public school system which I won’t go into now. However, possibly the deciding factor that got me my current (totally sweet) job was my ballsiness in declaring I would get a car if it meant I got the job. One year later I’m still carless and people are starting to ask questions. Questions like, “When are you getting a car?” Fuck. I have to get a car.

My “research” has gone a little something like this:

OK. I can do this. I obviously can’t buy a new car, there’s no way in hell I could afford it. I don’t know why, but under $10,000 seems like a good number. Sure, let’s go with that. Good! I made a decision, look at me go! What kind of car do I want? A VW Bus, obviously. WTF? How can a beat up van cost that much? Fine. Google “best cars under 10,000.” Alright, I can work with like three of those. Wait, all of the reviews kind of suck. Now I’m not sure I like any of them. Oh, god there’s so many other options. I don’t know, $10,000 seems like a lot money. Should I spend that much? I’m gonna end up with a POS that craps out on me in 6 months, aren’t I? AREN’T I?

At this point I called my sister, whined for a solid 30 minutes and asked if she would just find a car for me. She told me to put my big girl pants on. The thing is, I don’t like big girl pants. They’re too constricting. I much prefer my slacker sweat pants.

Stay tuned for part 2: researching how to research buying a car and prepping for negotiation.

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When You Live in Minnesota and it’s Forecasted to be -30 Degrees

weatherYour company has a serious meeting about whether “because it’s too cold outside” is a legitimate excuse to close the office.

After your company decides not to close the office because it’s Minnesota deal with it, you make plans to bring the necessary supplies for a blanket fort because your cube is right next to the front door.

Everyone is late because no ones car will start.

You envy the hamsters that have conveniently tunnel-connected cages. Also known as the people who work downtown and have skyways.

When walking from the bus stop the mousse in your hair freezes and turns white and the inside of your nose cracks, starts bleeding then immediately freezes, forming blood boogers. You obviously look beautiful upon arrival to work.

During the above trek, your iPod semi-freezes which means all your music is in slow motion and the cord to your ear buds is in danger of fracture if bent in anyway.

You wear long johns under your business casual attire.

You’re reminded of your age when your bum knee starts hurting just because it’s cold. But then you think, “wait I’m only 25…this is bullshit!”

You get concerned text messages from your Mom asking if you’re frozen.

Your city becomes a ghost town. You think this would probably be the perfect environment to plan a heist.

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Thoughts on the Mayan Apocalypse

apocalypseI distinctly remember sitting in my world history class freshman year of high school learning about the Mayan calendar and how it ended on December 21, 2012 which people had interpreted to mean that would be the end of the world. I remember calculating how old I would be in 2012 (24) and being happy that at least I would have had 3 good years of solid drinking before I died. If only I could tell myself not to worry, I would have 6 good years of solid drinking!

I got a little nervous. I mean, the Mayans were like fucking geniuses for their time. Sure, they worshiped a jaguar and believed human sacrifices controlled the weather and crops and all that. But their calendar was spot on and accurate for thousands of years after they were, you know, slaughtered by greedy Spanish guys. Interesting that they didn’t see that coming. But this would happen ages from now when I’m all old, thought high school me.

I’ve since grown wiser and no longer believe the world will actually end on December 21, 2012. I mean our calendar ends in 4099 and no one has been making doomsday predictions about that. The Mayans were probably like “fuck it” and just stopped writing. But don’t you kind of wish it was true just so you can see all these bat shit crazy theories play out? I do. My favorite is the one where a dark, mystery planet that no one can see will creep up on earth and release hordes of pissed off aliens that want to kill us all. For real, people believe that will happen. Look it up. And yes, I wouldn’t mind seeing a John Cusack look a like drive an SUV out of the back of a plane, land on a glacier and have everyone in the car survive it. Wouldn’t you?

Odds are these things won’t happen. So I’ll settle for it being an excuse to throw a themed party, get schwasted and wake up on December 22, 2012 wishing the world had ended so I wouldn’t have to endure a massive hangover.

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Nix Family Holiday Adventures

A group of co-workers were chatting in the break room about their family Thanksgiving traditions and memorable holiday stories. This got me thinking about my own family’s holiday stories…and then I had to explain why I burst out laughing. So here’s a compilation of our shenanigans for your enjoyment.

The Thanksgiving that the cops were called

Two years ago my parents and I went to my sister’s apartment in Atlanta for Thanksgiving. The first thing you must understand about our family is that we tend to drink a lot on our own and even more when we get together. So we emerged from our turkey comas with the help of wine, beer and whiskey. My sister and I then decided to teach our parents how to play Rock Band. They immediately were obsessed so we played for hours with the wine, beer and whiskey flowing. My brother in law and my dad were the most awesome. My dad tended to just moan loudly instead of singing the words and my brother in law picked all the screaming songs and then really screamed. We were interrupted from our rocking out by banging on the door. The cop that was doing the banging informed us that it was 3am and the many calls from the neighbors indicated we needed to be quiet now. He wasn’t very happy, apparently he had been knocking for awhile and we couldn’t hear him. I guess the neighbors had tried knocking too, but if you’re going to rock you can’t do it quietly. End note: my parents bought Rock Band and we still play whenever we visit. They even have Rock Band parties with their friends. We created a monster.

My dad traumatizes a small child on Halloween

My dad used to get really into Halloween and would always come up with ways to make our trick or treaters pee their pants. One year he turned our attic into a haunted house for my sister’s party. It was pretty epic. Some family friends and a few of my dad’s work buddies helped out by being characters. In addition to all the blood and guts strewn about there was a Jason-like character complete with fully functional chainsaw, a floating head, the grim reaper, and I played the ghost of a little girl. One girl totally lost her shit. She was in hysterics, but because my dad was a masterful creepy designer the only way out of the attic was to go through the entire thing. We had to take her back through it with all the lights turned on and everyone’s masks and make up off to prove to her it wasn’t real. She never came back to the house.

The Christmas bon-fire turned mushroom cloud

When all of us kids were younger we would take turns hosting Christmas at each of our houses. On one of our turns while we lived in South Carolina my dad and my uncles wanted to have a bon-fire since we had a huge yard backing up to a wood. It had rained a day before so all the firewood was still damp. Good thing we had a shit ton of lighter fluid. And alcohol. I can still picture my dad dumping lighter fluid on the pit and everyone slowly backing away. He stepped back and threw a match in. I shit you not it was a mushroom cloud explosion. He singed part of his eyebrows off and a fire ball burned a hole through the seat of a plastic lawn chair.

The gang goes to a Cinco De Mayo party

When my sister moved into a house during college my parents and I drove up her bedroom furniture. We timed it so I could be there for the Cinco De Mayo party they were having. What I was not expecting was for my parents to go as well. With a bottle of tequila that my dad carried around offering shots of. He was a big hit. This was my first big keg/house party, I was still in high school and not a huge drinker. This was also the first time I realized my parents were pretty awesome. I waited for the heavy drinking after they had left, at which point I drank anything anyone handed me. Margaritas, jello shots, tequila shots, beer. I then started vomiting profusely. My sister locked me in her room, which I barfed all over because I couldn’t aim into the trash can she had given me. My parents took one look at me the next morning and shook their heads. The only thing my dad said about it was “I don’t approve of your choices” to which I replied “I don’t either.” I still can’t drink tequila.

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WTF Just Happened? A Review of Prometheus

I finally watched Prometheus over the weekend, a tad late I know but whatever I was busy. All I knew going into it was that it was supposed to be a prequel to Alien and that that one really hot guy plays a robot. Here’s what I gathered from watching it.

I was totally lost right from the beginning. What’s with the totally ripped albino dude dressed like a monk committing suicide(?) at the top of a waterfall? At the end of the movie, I still didn’t know. So if anyone can answer that for me, that’d be great.

The middle chunk was a pretty standard Alien-ish movie. People go to space looking for something, they find weird stuff they can’t explain, an evil robot starts murderous shenanigans. But then shit got weird.  The little thing that the evil robot put inside a guy makes him sick and kills him, as is expected. But it also impregnates his girlfriend with…an octopus? But it’s cool because she’s a total bad ass and c-sections herself to get it out of her. And then no one really cares that that whole thing happened and doesn’t mention it. Because I guess that’s a totally normal thing.

While all that’s happening the two comic-relief guys that got left behind encounter a snake-alien that looks like the kind that wiggles into your mouth and then bursts out of your chest later. So it does the first part, but then we never see the burst out of the chest part and that guy isn’t mentioned again either. His friend gets his helmet smashed in and then somehow becomes really strong and quite limber and goes on a killing spree back at the ship because…those assholes totally deserved it for leaving him?

Then the old dead guy that bankrolled everything is (surprise) not dead and shows up just in time to go talk to a drugged up huge albino alien like the one at the beginning because they’re supposed to have created humans. Only problem is, they had buyers remorse and created this entire alien breeding place to kill us all. What dicks! So the albino alien kills everyone and then tries to take off in his ship to go kill everyone on earth, but the bad ass girl convinces the pilot of her ship to crash into it and stop him. It. Whatever.

This works like a charm except it doesn’t kill the albino alien so he goes after her but she’s crafty and traps him in the room with her demon alien spawn that has now grown into a giant octopus. She and the evil-turned-nice robot who just can’t fucking die take off in ANOTHER albino alien ship to go find where they all came from so, I’m assuming, she can kill them off. Karma’s a bitch.

Then, after all that, the lizard alien we all know and love pops out of the dead albino alien. And then I imagined Ridley Scott yelling THE FUCKING END.

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