WTF Just Happened? A Review of Prometheus

I finally watched Prometheus over the weekend, a tad late I know but whatever I was busy. All I knew going into it was that it was supposed to be a prequel to Alien and that that one really hot guy plays a robot. Here’s what I gathered from watching it.

I was totally lost right from the beginning. What’s with the totally ripped albino dude dressed like a monk committing suicide(?) at the top of a waterfall? At the end of the movie, I still didn’t know. So if anyone can answer that for me, that’d be great.

The middle chunk was a pretty standard Alien-ish movie. People go to space looking for something, they find weird stuff they can’t explain, an evil robot starts murderous shenanigans. But then shit got weird.  The little thing that the evil robot put inside a guy makes him sick and kills him, as is expected. But it also impregnates his girlfriend with…an octopus? But it’s cool because she’s a total bad ass and c-sections herself to get it out of her. And then no one really cares that that whole thing happened and doesn’t mention it. Because I guess that’s a totally normal thing.

While all that’s happening the two comic-relief guys that got left behind encounter a snake-alien that looks like the kind that wiggles into your mouth and then bursts out of your chest later. So it does the first part, but then we never see the burst out of the chest part and that guy isn’t mentioned again either. His friend gets his helmet smashed in and then somehow becomes really strong and quite limber and goes on a killing spree back at the ship because…those assholes totally deserved it for leaving him?

Then the old dead guy that bankrolled everything is (surprise) not dead and shows up just in time to go talk to a drugged up huge albino alien like the one at the beginning because they’re supposed to have created humans. Only problem is, they had buyers remorse and created this entire alien breeding place to kill us all. What dicks! So the albino alien kills everyone and then tries to take off in his ship to go kill everyone on earth, but the bad ass girl convinces the pilot of her ship to crash into it and stop him. It. Whatever.

This works like a charm except it doesn’t kill the albino alien so he goes after her but she’s crafty and traps him in the room with her demon alien spawn that has now grown into a giant octopus. She and the evil-turned-nice robot who just can’t fucking die take off in ANOTHER albino alien ship to go find where they all came from so, I’m assuming, she can kill them off. Karma’s a bitch.

Then, after all that, the lizard alien we all know and love pops out of the dead albino alien. And then I imagined Ridley Scott yelling THE FUCKING END.

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